Below are a list of phrases or words that one should be on the lookout for when perusing the classified ads:
Big Trot: (Can't canter within a two mile straight-away)
Nicely Started: (Lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet)
Top Show Horse: (Won a Reserve Champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warning)
Homebred: (Knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch)
Big Boned: (Good thing he has a mane and tail or he would be mistaken for a cow)
No Vices: (Especially when he wears his muzzle)
Good Mover: (Runaway)
Needs Intermediate Rider: (Runaway)
Should Mature Over 16 Hands: (Currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but "this" horse will defy his DNA and grow)
Well Mannered: (Hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week)
Professionally Trained: (Hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month)
Excellent Disposition: (Never been out of the stall)
Clips, Hauls, Loads: (Clippity Clippity is the sound that his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him)
For Sale Due To Lack Of Time: (Rider cannot afford to spend any more time in the hospital)
Well Bred: (Mother and father are also brother and sister)
Color is Black: (Brown and/or dirty)
Suits Eventing: (No brakes)
Suits Dressage: (No accelerator)
Dispersing Stock: (Qualified in 5:10.2)
Lightly Raced: (Won't Load - Scratched - Transportation)
Free Legged Pacer: (Kicks like a mad man when you try to put the hobbles on)
Top 10 Exercises To Become A Better Equestrian
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, stupid, GET OFF!!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall". Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook at lightning speed and write out a $400 check without looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you're doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won that race. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability got me second!"
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder, and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."
2. Borrow the U.S. Army's slogan, "Be All That You Can Be", -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
1. And the number one exercise to become a better equestrian? Marry Money!!
Stay safe, keep your hooves on the ground, and keep reaching for the wire.